"I think so," he says slowly. "But ... I don't know if I can tell the difference between someone doing those things to use me and someone doing them to help me. Because -- I mean, the only thing the First ever did that nobody else did was lie to me about who it was, and, and Lucifer didn't do that, but everything else -- I think everything else?"

With a jerky movement, he reaches for his notepad and starts leafing through it for a blank page.

"I just, I mean -- Buffy kept me prisoner for weeks and made me think she was going to kill me and I would deserve it if she did, and Morpheus put me through hell with nightmares for my own good, and Tim told me I could be a hero, and Sam, and, and you --"

His voice has been growing shakier, and rising; he cuts it off, and shuts his eyes.

"I'm not, I'm not making any sense, I need to write it down."