[reverse darkest timeline AU: cellthread #3]

[stilljustandrew]

It's been about two days.

Nobody's come for him.



Andrew's lying down, staring at the far wall.

Comments

[gothamsheiress]

"Oh -- would you like different ones?"

[stilljustandrew]

He shakes his head, biting his lip again.

"I keep ... I keep wanting to read one," he mumbles wretchedly, "and then being scared to, and feeling guilty about it, and ... I just stop thinking about it. Until next time."



"I don't know how to start."

[gothamsheiress]

"What scares you about them?"

[stilljustandrew]

"I don't know. I don't -- it's, I --"

He breathes out miserably.

"He wouldn't want me to, but it's not just that, it's -- I, I used to love them so much, and now I don't know if --"

[gothamsheiress]

". . . If you'll feel the same?"

[stilljustandrew]

Another nod.

[gothamsheiress]

"Do you think new ones might suit you better? Ones you have no association with."

The corner of her mouth lifts, though it's not quite a smile.

"I would offer to bring you something from my world, but I'm not sure our tastes run to similar ends."

[stilljustandrew]

"... I don't know either."

The crook of his mouth isn't exactly a smile either, but it does seem to bear some distant relationship to amusement.

"What do you like?"

[gothamsheiress]

"Histories, texts of instruction. Theology. I'm not much of one for poetry."

[stilljustandrew]

His mouth jerks slightly at the word theology; not quite a flinch.

"Doesn't sound like we have the same tastes," he mumbles. "I ... I don't know."

A beat, and when he speaks again, there's a hesitant note in it that might be hope.

"... do you think I should try to read these?"

[gothamsheiress]

"I think that choice is yours to make, not mine. Do you want to read them?"

[stilljustandrew]

He gazes at the books again, for a long moment.

And nods, a bare shiver of movement, not looking at her.

[gothamsheiress]

She nods in turn.

"If you do decide you'd like something different, I'm sure Baby or Ava can arrange to get it for you."

[stilljustandrew]

A slightly firmer nod.




"I'm scared," he repeats, in a whisper.

[gothamsheiress]

"That's all right."

She shrugs slightly.

"Many things worth doing are frightening, even under the best circumstances. Trying something new. Speaking a love. Facing our own feelings. Have you ever been scared and pressed forward nonetheless, before?"

[stilljustandrew]

There's a long, long pause before he nods.

"It, it's hard to remember."

[gothamsheiress]

"Well, then, this can be a fresh instance."

[stilljustandrew]

Another nod, and he glances at her.

"And if it doesn't work," he says slowly, "and I can't -- if I have to stop ... it'll be okay?"

[gothamsheiress]

"Of course." She nods. "I hope you'll genuinely try it, but if you do and you feel it does you more harm than good, so be it. I would not have you hurt yourself. Not for anyone. Never for me."

[stilljustandrew]

For some reason, that makes his eyes sting again -- and also makes that tiny fugitive smile tremble at the corners of his mouth.

"Okay," he whispers.

[gothamsheiress]

"Thank you."

She glances away at him, down at her hands.

"But Andrew -- what you choose, you choose for yourself. I cannot and will not make your choices for you. I'm not him."

[stilljustandrew]

The smile vanishes like a blown-out candle flame, and his gaze drops.



"I understand," he says, very small.

[gothamsheiress]

Brix sighs.

"I'm sorry," softly. "I didn't mean that to hurt you. I mean that I trust you with yourself."

More than she trusts herself with him, in some ways, since she ran roughshod over that smile.

(Sometimes she thinks Henri understood her better than she understands herself.)

[stilljustandrew]

"Maybe you shouldn't," he says, very soft. "I still --"



"I still miss Him."

[gothamsheiress]

"Elua, Andrew, if I never trusted people who feel human emotions, even the thorny, mad ones, I couldn't even trust myself."