[oopfsb / undarkest timeline] cold light of day

[stilljustandrew]

In the morning Matt gets examined again, and given one more round with the device that stimulates bone regrowth for his cracked rib, and released from the infirmary with strict instructions to go back if he finds either the rib or his head giving him any pain.

Andrew's been talking to Security while this is going on, and returns to hover around the infirmary entrance while Matt's being discharged.

(He feels like he should be feeling less afraid, after a night's sleep and a definite course of action. Somehow he's not.)

Comments

[semicharmed]

Being given a (mostly) clean bill of health seems to have put some spring in Matt's step. His head is awhirl with strategy-- people he might try to send notes to, books to read, warding and protection spells to try. Of course, it'd be ideal if he had a little more information.

(And if he spent some time in the small hours of the night contemplating exes, well-- it doesn't have much to do with what's going on right now.)

He smiles when he catches sight of Andrew.

"Hey-- I'm free."

[stilljustandrew]

Andrew brightens in turn on seeing him. "Hey. How're you feeling?"

[semicharmed]

"Better," Matt decides. "A lot better. I could really eat, though. How about you?"

[stilljustandrew]

"Yeah, I could too," he says. "I ... think I maybe forgot to have breakfast? I've been talking with Security people, though, and everybody's got the official warning."

[semicharmed]

"Oh, aces. Well ... maybe breakfast, then?"

[stilljustandrew]

"I like this plan. Table or booth? Or bar?"

[semicharmed]

"Uhhh, booth," he decides, starting to walk.

Honestly, Matt's barely aware what word he's just said. He does want to sit down, though, so he can eat something and start to feel a little more human.

[stilljustandrew]

He finds them a booth -- one without a view of the Window, this once -- and waves to a passing waitrat.

The business of ordering gives him another few minutes to think about whether, and how, to bring up last night.

[semicharmed]

Choosing between gingerbread pancakes and an omelet does make for a pretty handy distraction.

(Trick question. He wants both! He didn't eat much yesterday.)

Once Matt has a cup of coffee in his hand, he feels a little better, but he's still not sure how to get back on the subject of the First. There's stuff he feels like he needs to know, but Andrew's distress from last night makes him hesitant to leap back into planning mode.

[stilljustandrew]

Andrew takes a long drink of his own latte.



"So, um," he says to the mug. "About last night."

[semicharmed]

Matt sips.

In what he hopes is an encouraging tone, he says, "Yeah?"

[stilljustandrew]

"I'm sorry I ... sort of fell apart on you there."

He tries to make himself look up, and can't quite manage it.

[semicharmed]

"It's okay," Matt says. "I know it must've been a big shock."

[stilljustandrew]

"It's not -- it wasn't just that."

The it's okay helps just enough; he lifts his head to try and meet Matt's eyes.

"I mean I'm still scared of it. I'm probably always gonna be scared of it."

[semicharmed]

He nods. If Andrew meets his gaze, he'll find that Matt's eyes have shadows under them, the greens and blues in them blurring muddily with brown; but their expression is serious and thoughtful.

[stilljustandrew]

"... I don't know if I can explain." Subdued.

But not hopeless, if he can only work out what to say.

[semicharmed]

He takes a sip of coffee.

"Can you try?" he says, sounding a bit more plaintive than he really meant to. "And like, if I don't get it I'll ask questions."

[stilljustandrew]

That touch of plaintiveness in Matt's voice makes him bite his lip.

"Okay," he says, and takes a moment to compose his thoughts as best he can. And to cut a bite of waffle.



"Have you ..." Slowly. "Have you ever made a mistake so bad that you, like ... can't ever trust your own judgment a hundred percent again?"

[semicharmed]

Matt pauses.

"I've made mistakes that felt that way at the time," he says. "Or-- when I realized how bad they were."

[stilljustandrew]

"... The second one. Yeah."

There's a deep line between his brows, as of concentration or pain.

"That was, that was the whole problem. That at the time it didn't feel like a mistake. Or, or series of mistakes. And it should have."

[semicharmed]

He nods slowly.

He hasn't touched his own breakfast, though it smells really good. Matt loosens his death grip on his coffee and snags a bite of his omelet.

[stilljustandrew]

"And that was ..."

He cuts another bite of waffle, scoots it across the plate to pick up syrup. Doesn't pick it up.

"That's what it was like, the whole time I was with the First. Believing things that weren't real. Lying to myself. And I was, I was good at that." A huff of bitter half-laughter underlies the last words.

[semicharmed]

Another nod, his lips twitching down. Another bite.

This, Matt doesn't have much direct experience with, though he can be pretty good at not thinking about things.

[stilljustandrew]

He looks down at his food, and sets his fork gently down on the edge of the plate.

"It came to me one time." Very soft. "After, after I changed sides. Only I was pretending I hadn't, to see if I could find out anything useful about it so I could tell Buffy ..."

[semicharmed]

It takes Matt a moment to parse that.

Then he says, "Yeah? What happened?"