[reverse darkest timeline AU: cellthread #2]

[stilljustandrew]

[Previously: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

What's worried Baby the most, over the past few days --

Well. What's upset her the most is Andrew's consistent refusal to speak to her mind-to-mind, or out loud beyond the few necessary words she might exchange with any other inmate, such as requests for food, fresh clothes, an extra blanket.

But what's worried her is that he hasn't asked for anything to pass the time. No tablet with games or videos on it, no pencil and paper, no baseball to bounce off the opposite wall.

No books.



In the cell, Andrew finishes his breakfast (cornflakes, with sliced banana), sets aside the bowl, and settles down leaning against the wall.

Comments

[stilljustandrew]

He lets out a small sigh.

"Look," he says, "sometimes I want stuff that's stupid. Or stuff that's bad. Or, or stuff that's just impossible. And that's not just -- that's been like my whole life. So it doesn't make sense to ... to treat any of that like it's a good way to make decisions."

[gothamsheiress]

"Sometimes, yes, sometimes we all do. But that does not make everything we want unimportant. It does not mean that we should -- that we should submit every one of our desires to the will of another, without question or limit."

[stilljustandrew]

He shakes his head again, with a very small smile.

"But it's not just another person."

[gothamsheiress]

"What gives an angel more right to your will? To that which makes you human? Not even Kushiel demands submission without consent of his followers."

[stilljustandrew]

"I told you, He's an archangel. He's higher than angels. He's higher than anybody."

[gothamsheiress]

"And what gives an archangel more right to your will than an angel, or a human?"

[stilljustandrew]

He's starting to look angry at this line of questioning. (And again there's that flicker of fear, trying hard to stay hidden -- not just from her but from himself.)

"You wouldn't ask that if you'd ever met one."

[gothamsheiress]

She takes a slow breath, reigning in her own emotions, and meets his eyes.

"I haven't had that honor," she says, voice low again. "I doubt I ever will. And I don't understand. Can you explain it to me?"

[stilljustandrew]

For a moment he almost considers asking would you like to? -- but she's not a magic-user of any kind, so far as he knows; bringing her back with him would be useless, and still a failure of his mission.

His own voice lowers a little, in unconscious mirroring. "I don't know if I can. It's ... it's bigger than words."

[gothamsheiress]

Brix nods, but only waits patiently.

[stilljustandrew]

"Just being in the same room," he starts, soft and tentative, "just ... not even face to face with Him, but being in His presence at all, it's like nothing else. There's this ... brightness, not just visible light, it's something deeper than that, brightness and power. It's ... it's overwhelming."

His face has gone distant, dreamy.

"And it's like ... it makes you realize how small you are, how insignificant in the greater scheme of things, but like -- it's okay that you're small, it's right, it's how things are supposed to be. That you're not important, and He is."

[gothamsheiress]

"Why is he so important?"

Her voice is soft, just a pebble dropped in his stream of consciousness.

[stilljustandrew]

"He just is."

No louder.

"It's not our place to ask why."

[gothamsheiress]

"That isn't a reason, Andrew. It's an escape."

[stilljustandrew]

His shoulders jerk, hard, and his eyes refocus on her sharply.

"I'm not looking for an escape," he spits.

[gothamsheiress]

She pauses before she answers, assessing him. If it comes to it, she thinks she can defend herself from him -- though it may not come to that yet.

"Forgive me, Andrew. I'm trying to understand." Her voice is even. "But 'he just is' is the answer you'd give a child. I could as easily say that Elua is the most important being in any world."

[stilljustandrew]

"You're not trying to understand, you're trying to, to make me question --"

He shakes his head sharply, like he's not even willing to finish that sentence.

[gothamsheiress]

She raises her eyebrows.

[stilljustandrew]

He pulls his knees in tighter, squeezes the steel ring in his fist.

"I'm not going to," he says thickly, around a tightness in his throat. "I won't."

[gothamsheiress]

Brix lets the silence sit for a minute or two.

(She needs to think.)




"A faith that can't be questioned at all," she says eventually, "sounds like brittle wood with which to build."

She glances down at her hands in her lap.

"I question our beliefs a great deal. There are those who say the angels have their plans for all of us, and I--" She laughs, soft but bitter. "I have often wished I could be so easily comforted. My parents were killed in front of me when I was a child, and when I think that their deaths were part of some angel's plan -- I would almost rather believe there are no angels at all than that they could be so cruel. But that idea is as frightful as its opposite."

[stilljustandrew]

The tension starts to seep out of him, gradually, as she turns to talking about her own beliefs.



"What if," he says slowly, "what if you could ask them? The angels."

[gothamsheiress]

"I'd ask them why."

She looks back up to him, with a sad smile.

"I doubt any answer they could give would satisfy me."

[stilljustandrew]

He hesitates.

"If there's no answer that would satisfy you ... then, then maybe 'why' isn't the right question."

[gothamsheiress]

She lets out a breath of laughter.

"That's probably so. What do you think would be?"

[stilljustandrew]

"I don't know."

His gaze falls to his hands.

"Maybe ... 'what can I do to feel better about it.'"