[reverse darkest timeline au] all you want is refuge

[stilljustandrew]

He goes back to his own cell, after the exorcism. And lies down, after a while.

Nita's okay. She'll be okay. There's no reason for him to feel this shaky.

Except there is. Oh, there is.

He's trying not to think about it.

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[stilljustandrew]

"Oh," he says again, almost soundlessly.

Nearly all the honey has trickled off the spoon and back into the jar. He refocuses, spoons up more honey, carefully maneuvers it to his teacup, tilts the spoon to pour it into the tea.

"I'll find the design," he says to the cup. "It's ... it should be in one of my notebooks. In my old room."

[nita_callahan]

". . . Would you be okay with that?" she asks, giving him a sidelong look.

[stilljustandrew]

Andrew blinks up at her, momentarily bewildered. "... Finding the design? Yeah. I don't -- you shouldn't --"

He stumbles to a halt, swallows.

"You shouldn't go back there without protection. More than this, even, I just ... this is what I've got."

[nita_callahan]

"Yeah, no, I'm not going to. Like I said, as many kinds as I can get. Anything you can give me is going to be great, Andrew, really."

[stilljustandrew]

He nods a little, still looking a little dismayed. "I'll look. I, it's been ..."

Distractedly, he's started stirring honey into his tea with the spoon from the honey jar.

"I haven't thought about ... any of it. In a long time. I don't know how I even remembered the words for exorcism."

[nita_callahan]

Feelingly: "I'm glad you did."

[stilljustandrew]

"Me too." Almost as fervent. "If --"



Halting: "I could have made some deal with it, you know? I tried. I could have ... I could have tried harder, maybe?"

[nita_callahan]

"--You did," Nita says, sitting up straighter as if startled. "Wait, I remember. You offered to take my place."

[stilljustandrew]

He picks up his tea, shoulders hunching a little.

"It said no, though. I don't know, maybe it suspected."

[nita_callahan]

"What the hell were you planning to do? I mean--" She pushes her hair back. "Jesus, I wouldn't have let you do that."

[stilljustandrew]

"I was going to go into the cell first. And tell Baby not to let me out while it was in me, no matter what it said. And maybe there'd be time for her to cut it off while it was, like, between hosts? But if not ..." An awkward shrug. "At least you'd be out."

He's got both hands wrapped around the teacup now, fingers tucked close, seeking the warmth. "I mean, I'm in here most of the time anyway."

[nita_callahan]

"It's not -- I don't think," she manages after a long, stunned moment, "it'd be the same. Being in a cell and being -- being in a cell and trapped in your own head with something like that, it's not -- the same."

[stilljustandrew]

"No, I know." His shoulders move again, in a suppressed shiver. "I know that, I just mean ..."

His throat's tight; he lowers his head and takes a sip of the hot ginger tea, swallows carefully.

"I mean I'm not ... doing anybody any good, in there. And I, I thought, this was maybe something I could do that wouldn't do any harm, either. Because Baby wouldn't let me out. So it couldn't use me to hurt anybody. So it'd be safe."

[nita_callahan]

Deep breath.

"Andrew -- look, I know I'm not exactly the best person to have an opinion about self-sacrifice and all that, but letting a demon do harm to you is not the same as doing good. You're way more important than that."

[stilljustandrew]

"I'm not more important than you." He looks up. "And if, if it was going to -- I mean, I thought, I was afraid ... it might be trying to take you back."

[nita_callahan]

Nita's jaw actually drops.

"Wh-- you are not less important than me."

[stilljustandrew]

He takes an unsteady breath.

"Keeping you out of His hands," he says, low and strained, "is more important than me being comfortable. And maybe that's not what it was going to do, but it could have been, and I had to -- I had to try --"



Much smaller: "I thought I had to try."

[nita_callahan]

"I'm not talking about being uncomfortable, Andrew, I'm -- holy shit."

She sits back, presses her hands together, presses them between her knees.

"Sorry, I'm -- sorry."

Andrew's not the only one who's unsteady. She takes a deep breath.


"I get what you were trying to do."

[stilljustandrew]

His face is flushed; there's no use pretending it's from the heat of the tea.

"I'm sorry. I thought ... "

[nita_callahan]

"You don't have anything to apologize for," Nita says, a little fierce. "Fucking Lucifer does. You wanted to help. He's why both of us got hurt."

[stilljustandrew]

He nods, without looking up. Makes himself let go of the teacup; stirs the tea again.




"You know ... you know what he sent me here for, right? Originally?"

[nita_callahan]

"Yeah."

(This line of conversation doesn't seem likely to make her hands less shaky, so she keeps them below the table.)

"You told me. Looking for people with power."

[stilljustandrew]

"That's why I thought the, the demon might be ..."

His fingers tighten a little on the spoon; it makes a tiny clink against the side of the cup.

"Because I didn't bring any back."

[nita_callahan]

"Okay. But. It wasn't." She shakes her head. "It took me because I was there, not because it had a mission, like you. It just -- it just wanted to feel something. It didn't even know who I was, I was just a, a warm body. Finding out I could do wizardry was just a bonus."

[stilljustandrew]

"... Did it talk to you?" He looks up from his tea again.