[reverse darkest timeline] if i'm not beyond repair

[stilljustandrew]

Composing the note takes him the better part of an hour, and a great deal of cross-outs and scribbling.

Brix,

I was wondering if y
It's been a
How hav
You said if There's been some stuff and I wanted to

If you have some time to talk could you let me know? I'm doing I think I'm still doing better but something happened and I'm not I wanted to tell you about it.

Thanks,
Andrew

He writes out two clean copies of the note, leaves one at the Security desk and one with Bar.

Comments

[gothamsheiress]

"Could you give yourself over to someone and still know when to tell them no?"

This is a real question; she wants a real self-assessment.

[stilljustandrew]

He glances up at her swiftly, with a look of uncertainty -- and just underneath it, a touch of unconscious fear.

"... like ... no to what?"

[gothamsheiress]

"Anything. Anything that made you unhappy, or unsafe."

[stilljustandrew]

In a whisper: "I don't know."

[gothamsheiress]

"Then," gently, "I think perhaps you ought to focus on that, first. Knowing your own mind is an important part of this."

[stilljustandrew]

"An important part of --"

He's blinking at her, bewildered, with that tinge of fear still underneath.

"You're saying ... you're saying this is something I could ..."




"I could do?"

[gothamsheiress]

"There are people who do," she says, careful. "La capitulation. But it isn't something to pursue lightly. It's a deep bond of love, and trust. And those I know who make it last, who trust each other so -- they know themselves, first and foremost. Their own wants and their own needs."

[stilljustandrew]

"And they can want that," he says slowly, "and it's not ... it doesn't mean ...?"

A beat.

"But it wouldn't be, like, to -- to just anybody. You said ... someone they trust."

[gothamsheiress]

"Yes," firmly.

"Even submitting for the length of a night, or an assignation, requires trust."

[stilljustandrew]

He nods, slowly, studying the tabletop.

"I've trusted bad people before," he says, low-voiced. "And good people. And ... and I don't know if I can tell the difference."

[gothamsheiress]

"Then we come back to using your reason as well as your heart. You may have misplaced your trust in the past, but you can use those experiences to learn. Indeed, you must. And I know you can."

[stilljustandrew]

His gaze flicks up toward her, uncertain and halfway to wary.

"How do you know I can?"

[gothamsheiress]

"If I put a candle on this table, you wouldn't touch it indiscrimately, would you? You learned long ago that a flame would burn you, and to be watchful for what else could be hot enough to harm."

She gestures at him, his demeanor, his neat appearance. "And since I have known you, you've come to understand new things about your former master and about yourself. You've learned that it helps you to write things down, and you're beginning to learn how it is you love. So I think you can learn to think before you trust -- to look for signs of whether a person is worthy your trust and your love and your surrender."

[stilljustandrew]

He's quiet for a long moment, biting his lips shut, trying to believe her.


"So, like ..." Carefully. "What do you think would be a sign that someone isn't worthy?"

[gothamsheiress]

Brix shakes her head.

"I'm more curious about what you think. You said you've trusted bad people before. What makes you call them bad?"

[stilljustandrew]

"One of them manipulated me into murdering my best friend."

It's low and flat, and rapid, as though trying to get all the words out in one breath.

[gothamsheiress]

Well, that's . . . yep, that's bad.

After a moment, Brix nods.

"That's certainly not someone to put your trust in.

"You don't have to answer this now, if you'd rather take some time. But when you look back at that time, do you see the things they did to manipulate you?"

[stilljustandrew]

"Oh yeah." He doesn't look up. "I mean, this was ... years ago. I've thought about it a lot."

[gothamsheiress]

"Do you think you would recognize those things again?"

[stilljustandrew]

"I think so," he says slowly. "But ... I don't know if I can tell the difference between someone doing those things to use me and someone doing them to help me. Because -- I mean, the only thing the First ever did that nobody else did was lie to me about who it was, and, and Lucifer didn't do that, but everything else -- I think everything else?"

With a jerky movement, he reaches for his notepad and starts leafing through it for a blank page.

"I just, I mean -- Buffy kept me prisoner for weeks and made me think she was going to kill me and I would deserve it if she did, and Morpheus put me through hell with nightmares for my own good, and Tim told me I could be a hero, and Sam, and, and you --"

His voice has been growing shakier, and rising; he cuts it off, and shuts his eyes.

"I'm not, I'm not making any sense, I need to write it down."