[reverse darkest timeline au] all you want is refuge

[stilljustandrew]

He goes back to his own cell, after the exorcism. And lies down, after a while.

Nita's okay. She'll be okay. There's no reason for him to feel this shaky.

Except there is. Oh, there is.

He's trying not to think about it.

Comments

[stilljustandrew]

"I mean I would have -- I would have wanted to help anyway, but..."

His fingers twist together in front of him.

"He wanted people with power. Like her. Like you. That's what he sent me here for. I was, I was afraid -- if that was what the demon wanted her for --"

[semicharmed]

Matt nods.

And waits to see if he'll finish the thought.

[stilljustandrew]

He isn't sure it even makes sense now, saying it out loud.

"I had to stop it," he whispers anyway. "I had to try."

[semicharmed]

"Why did you?"

[stilljustandrew]

He looks up, blinking.

"Why did I ...?"

Didn't he just say?

[semicharmed]

"Why'd you ... especially have to help if that's what the demon wanted with her?"

Interestingly, though he is interested in the answers Andrew gives, all he feels at the moment is a nice calm numbness inside.

[stilljustandrew]

Maybe it doesn't make sense, then.



"Because I know what he'd do with her."

[semicharmed]

"Ah."

Matt nods slowly.

"Yeah. All right."

[stilljustandrew]

"What did you ..." think, is how that's supposed to end, but it's barely audible even to begin with and trails off into nothing.

[semicharmed]

He frowns at him.

"I'm just trying not to assume anything."

[stilljustandrew]

He swallows, and his gaze flicks away. "Okay."

With something of an effort, he pulls his hands away from twisting around each other, brings them down to his sides.

[semicharmed]

Andrew looks, to Matt's eyes, like even Matt's presence here is hurting him. He huffs out a soft breath.


"Like I said ... I'm grateful for your help. And I'm glad that your--outlook has changed."

[stilljustandrew]

"Thanks," he says, and bites his lip at how bare it is, how insincere it must sound.

"And ... thanks for, for letting me. Help."

[semicharmed]

"Sure."



He's not sure whether to keep going or not.

But after a moment, he adds:

"I don't think a lot of this is my business. But I want you to know, I'm hoping that--"

A rueful smile.

"That you'll be able to heal from your pain. As hokey as that may sound."

[stilljustandrew]

A tiny hiss of indrawn breath --



-- and a smile, unsteady and painful but genuine.

"Thank you. Really. I don't ... that, that means a lot."

[semicharmed]

"It's not totally selfless of me."

He still looks a little rueful.

"But yeah. You're welcome."

[stilljustandrew]

(What he doesn't say: I don't know if that's ever going to happen.

But it still means a lot, that Matt's hoping that for him. And that he would say so.)



"Listen, um ... you know Brix, right?"

[semicharmed]

Why yes he does! Biblically, even.

(Eluine cyclically?)

"I do," he confirms.

[stilljustandrew]

"If you see her, could you ... maybe tell her I'd like to talk to her again? Or ... I could ask Baby to bring Bar a note for her, or something ..."

It was kind of an impulsive question, which means he hasn't really thought it through.

[semicharmed]

"Oh--probably Baby would be better for that," he says.

"Brix is a friend. But I try to stay out of the relationship you guys have. Because, you know, not my business."

[stilljustandrew]

"Oh."

It feels strange to him that it's neither crushing nor frightening, having gotten it wrong.

"I ... guess I'll do that then?"

[semicharmed]

"Sounds like a plan."

[stilljustandrew]

"Okay."

This could get awkward in a moment.

"Anyway, um ... thanks. For coming by."

[semicharmed]

"Sure," he says.

In the end, it's probably better to keep his messier thoughts to himself. Matt slips his hands in his pockets, turning incrementally.

"Maybe I'll see you around out there."

[stilljustandrew]

"Maybe," he says, and it's ... oddly hopeful.

Maybe that's a thing that could happen, and wouldn't be terrible.