[reverse darkest timeline] if i'm not beyond repair

[stilljustandrew]

Composing the note takes him the better part of an hour, and a great deal of cross-outs and scribbling.

Brix,

I was wondering if y
It's been a
How hav
You said if There's been some stuff and I wanted to

If you have some time to talk could you let me know? I'm doing I think I'm still doing better but something happened and I'm not I wanted to tell you about it.

Thanks,
Andrew

He writes out two clean copies of the note, leaves one at the Security desk and one with Bar.

Comments

[gothamsheiress]

Brix listens closely, quietly, her hands wrapped around her cup of tea.

"What do you think was preventing you?" she asks, after a moment.

[stilljustandrew]

"I don't know. I ... "

His hands are closed on each other, gripping tight, as though he's trying to stop himself from grasping his own wrists.




"I wasn't allowed," he half-whispers, "to say anything like that to him. For the longest time. And for most of that time I wouldn't even have tried to, or, or wanted to. I ... wasn't sure I could."

[gothamsheiress]

"But you could, in this case."

[stilljustandrew]

"Yeah."

He looks up at her, with a small unsteady smile.

"I did."

[gothamsheiress]

"How did it feel to say it?"

[stilljustandrew]

He shakes his head slowly.

"Huge. And ... scary? Like for a moment I couldn't believe I did it. And then everything else was happening so fast -- because that's when it worked, like the next second, the demon came out."

[gothamsheiress]

Brix nods.

"That sounds -- powerful."

[stilljustandrew]

"Yeah," he whispers, nodding slowly. "It was."

Another tiny smile, this one a little crooked, like something's just occurred to him.

"Huh."

[gothamsheiress]

Brix tilts her head, raising her eyebrows for him o continue.

[stilljustandrew]

"I just ... it's dumb, but ..."

His hands come apart from each other, settling loosely on the tabletop.

"If all this were happening in a book, that would have been like ... some major climactic victory. Like, everything after would be different."

[gothamsheiress]

"Well."

She picks up her tea and sips is, considering.

"Life is rarely so neat as our stories, it's true. But this moment can still be important to you. It can still be something that makes things different."

[stilljustandrew]

"Maybe," he says, slowly, a little doubtfully.

"... I guess what I meant is, if this were a story it would make things different all at once. Like ... like being able to say that would mean I beat it for good. Like I'd be done."

A painful smile. "I'd really like to be done."

[gothamsheiress]

"Yes," gently. "It shows real wisdom to know that you aren't, yet. But neither are you where you were when we first met."

[stilljustandrew]

"Oh," and there's a sound that might be a laugh or a sob, "I'm really not. I know I'm not. I just ..."

He meets her gaze.

"I feel so much worse. And I know that means I'm doing better. And I hate that."

[gothamsheiress]

"How did you feel when you finished the spell? When you exorcised the demon from Nita?"

[stilljustandrew]

He swallows.

"Scared. Even after. Like ... like I did something wrong and didn't know what, and I was going to get in trouble."

[gothamsheiress]

She tilts her head again.

"Was Nita all right? And the rest -- Matt and so on? And you?"

[stilljustandrew]

"Yeah. I mean -- Nita was shaken up pretty bad, and ... I think it took a lot out of Ava to hold the demon while I, while I pulled it out, but ... everybody was basically okay, after?"

A beat.

Lower: "I mean. The demon wasn't."

[gothamsheiress]

Brix sighs.

"It is -- it seems regrettable that it would not compromise with you. But that is nobody's fault but its own."

[stilljustandrew]

"No, I know. It wasn't that, I don't think ..." He trails off.

And starts again, slower: "I mean, I did something. Something big. It saved somebody, and killed somebody else, and ..."

He feels on the verge of realizing something important; his brows draw together in silent struggle, working through it.

[gothamsheiress]

Brix can wait, for the moment, while he works on it. She sips her tea.

[stilljustandrew]

Barely audible: "And I didn't have anyone to tell me I did it right. So I was afraid I did it wrong."

[gothamsheiress]

"You saved someone. She's all right, because of what you did."

She shakes her head.

"You asked me to give you time to yourself, and I agreed, because I think we both understand that I should not be your new master. And so I'm not sure you should look to me to know if it was right or wrong. But I think you know, for yourself, what was right, if you give yourself permission to know it."

[stilljustandrew]

"... I don't know."

He props one elbow on the table, rests his forehead on his loosely curled hand. Doesn't look up.

"I don't have the greatest track record for that. From like, ever. Way before Lucifer."

[gothamsheiress]

"So you've said. Yet here you are, still trying to do better than you did before. You asked me to give you space so that you could make your own decisions. You asked me here to talk again when you thought you might need help."