[reverse darkest timeline] if i'm not beyond repair

[stilljustandrew]

Composing the note takes him the better part of an hour, and a great deal of cross-outs and scribbling.

Brix,

I was wondering if y
It's been a
How hav
You said if There's been some stuff and I wanted to

If you have some time to talk could you let me know? I'm doing I think I'm still doing better but something happened and I'm not I wanted to tell you about it.

Thanks,
Andrew

He writes out two clean copies of the note, leaves one at the Security desk and one with Bar.

Comments

[stilljustandrew]

Silence. He picks up another goldfish.



Small-voiced: "It wouldn't let Nita go. I mean, I don't know, should I have?"

[gothamsheiress]

"Our feelings don't always obey should and shouldn't."

[stilljustandrew]

"Yeah," he sighs, and crunches the cracker.

"... I forget where I was up to."

[gothamsheiress]

"You found out why it took Nita, and that it had no intention of freeing her."

[stilljustandrew]

"Right," he says, and then "but no, wait, that was later. I, I talked to it before that, just ... by myself. Without a truth spell. It tried to make me think it was Nita talking, and then it told me Nita was okay with having it in her. And I, I knew it was lying, but I tried ..."

A long beat.

"It was maybe a bad idea," he says, low. "I offered to, like ... trade places."

He gives her a swift, furtive look from under his brows, trying to see how she takes this.

[gothamsheiress]

Her expression is still open and calm, neutral.

"Why did you do that?"

[stilljustandrew]

"For Nita. To get her free. Because ..."

His throat's trying to tighten; he drinks some more ginger ale.

"Because of the other thing I was afraid of. That maybe the demon wanted to bring her to Lucifer. Because she's a wizard and he wanted people with power, and I ... didn't bring him any."

[gothamsheiress]

Brix does frown slightly at this.

"I'm not sure I understand why you taking her place would make a difference to that. I thought that the demon -- or Nita, with the demon inside her -- was in the cells. Was she in danger of being taken back to Lucifer's world?"

[stilljustandrew]

"... I mean, if it escaped?" he says a little feebly.

"But even if it didn't, if that was why it took her, then ..."

[gothamsheiress]

"Then what?"

[stilljustandrew]

"Then if I could do something to get it out of her ..."

His forehead is furrowed, as though in pain or concentration, as he works through the sentence.

"... it felt like I had to. Like it was ... my fault. Or my job, or ... something."

[gothamsheiress]

"Why would it have been your fault? Did you tell them to go to Lucifer's world?"

[stilljustandrew]

"No! I didn't even know they were going, I -- "

He sighs. "Look, I know. I know it doesn't make sense. And Nita already told me I shouldn't have, she said she wouldn't have let me."

[gothamsheiress]

"That's all right," she says, soothing.

"Whether or not it makes sense, you felt it. Yet you recognize that--" She pauses, frowning, to try and find the right words. "That what you feel is true, for you, but that the situation does not warrant that feeling."

Sadly, Terre D'ange doesn't have a word for reality testing. It just has three thousand words for fellatio.

[stilljustandrew]

"I guess," he says uncertainly.

"... anyway it didn't make any difference. The demon didn't go for it."

[gothamsheiress]

"But the demon is gone now?"

[stilljustandrew]

He nods. "Yeah. Ava told me Kali and Matt were going to try the truth spell, and I asked her if I could come with, and ask it some things? And ... if she'd ask Matt if that was okay with him, if I was there."

A beat.

Smaller, again: "He sent me a note to say yes. Thanked me for offering."

[gothamsheiress]

"I'm sure he meant it."

[stilljustandrew]

"Course. It just, you know, I wasn't expecting him to. Or to ... trust me to be involved at all."

He picks up his glass, studies it a moment. "I don't know whether I mean motives or, like, judgment."

[gothamsheiress]

"How did you feel when he did ask you?"

[stilljustandrew]

"Surprised," he says slowly, and then "Scared. But ... sort of in a good way? Like I might screw it up but maybe I wouldn't, maybe I could ... do something good."

[gothamsheiress]

Brix nods encouragingly.

"What happened next?"

[stilljustandrew]

He takes a drink of ginger ale, working on putting the rest of the memories in order.

"The truth spell," he says. "Everybody sort of congregated by the demon's cell -- Matt and Ava and Kali, and me -- and Matt told the demon what they wanted to do. And they, they offered it every concession -- Matt volunteered to cast the truth spell on himself first, and they said they'd get it a body of its own and let it out of the cells, and it wanted a guarantee that Ava and Kali wouldn't touch it and they agreed, everybody agreed --"

It's hard to tell whether he thinks granting all of these concessions was good or bad. He's not entirely clear on that himself.

"-- and then when it saw what the truth spell looked like on Matt, it tried to back out. It said forget it, come back with a new deal. And I was, I was just so angry ..."

[gothamsheiress]

Brix is of the opinion that offering concessions in order to get what you want is fine; nobody ever said you have to grant those concessions.

But she stays quiet, nodding for Andrew to continue.

[stilljustandrew]

"I started an exorcism."

An echo of that rage and terror pulses faintly in him, and he fights a shiver.

"I knew ... I think I knew it was a bad idea. I think I did know that. Even when I was doing it."